Probably Some of The Stupidest Things You Will Ever Read About Redwall
by ferretWARLORD
Summary: If you are a major fan of the Redwall series or are prone to severe diarrhea, you are advised to please ignore this parody. Those who are not prepared for the bad writing style, grammar, or humor are advised to keep a bottle of cyanide pills with them to prevent suffering. If you do want you kidneys to still be intact today, DO NOT READ THIS! Enjoy!


***fist punches through your computer screen, knocking you out of your seat* **

**EERRR! TESTOSTERONE! **

**Welcome to the worlds greatest redwall story evah! You will be amazed by the sheer description and emotion pounded into this one document that YOUR HEAD WILL EXPLODE FROM THE SHEER PRESSURE OF AWESOME! YYYYEEEEAAAAARG!**

***implodes* **

Deep in the heart of Mossflower, your average stereotypical and overused loan wandering (insert woodlander species here) was walking down an old dirt path that wound through Mossflower. AND NO IT IS NOT A HARE OF COURSE, YOU KNOW CUZ THEY BE TOO BUSY HELPING THE BADGER LORD WIPE HIS (censored)!

Anyway, a young MOUSE was making his way down the path, an of course perfectly crafted gold sword with jewels in it strapped to his back, when all of the sudden an eeevviil pair of weasels appeared on the path! Oh noes!

"Yahahahaha!" One of them, a hunchbacked bucktoothed mental patient weasel laughed, pointing to the sword as he nudged the other equally retarded looking weasel. "Lookit dat! He be a mouse!"

The other one, a tall skinny looking sh(bleep) that looked like he was about to pass out at any moment, grinned, showing his one fang, and then the two weasels pulled out rusty broken ugly looking pointy-jabby-thingys, and charged the mouse.

With a swift movement the mouse unsheathed the sword from his back and-

**"Oh! Oh! oh oh ooooh!" A small mouse dibbun jumped up and down from the back of the group, waving his little arm around frantically. The brown sable ferret groaned and nodded towards the dibbun. "Did you evah kill any body?" **

**The ferret blankly stared at the mouse before answering. **

**"No... why would you-" Before he could answer, the mouse blurted out, **

**"Cuz, cuz, I heard Skipper Werg saying that you were a murderin' cheating little vermin after you won that one card game!" The ferret growled as he thought of that otter. Sure, he _had_ cheated on that card game, but calling him a murderin' cheating little vermin? Uncalled for! **

**With a muttered curse he continued with the story.**

... and with a swift movement the mouse slashed at the weasels, slashing through their pathetic ugly looking pointy-jabby-thingys, slicing their guts open. The two weasels fell down dead onto the path, and the mouse continued onward.

A good mile down the path the mouse suddenly heard a rustling two his right, and turning to face a wriggling bush unsheathed his sword and got ready for another fight. Instead of a weasel, stoat, or a rat, it was an otter who came out!

And a dumb one at that. The otter wasn't tall at all like normal otters- no, he was short as a shrew! And his face, oh dear lord, his face! His face was as if a badger who had been on a drinking binge suddenly decided to get frisky and mated with a random rat on the street, and then left when the baby was born! Then the mother left the baby in a ditch and it grew up on its own... alone and stupid... and, and eating maggots and bugs all day! Hehehe...

Anyway, the otter smiled, showing his ugly teeth and black gums, his one eye gleaming with stupidity.

"Heuheuheu, Hello!" The otter drawled. The mouse saw a wad of snot slowly sliding out of his snout and down his chin. "My name is Werg, and I wanna eat dirt and be stupid! Heuheuheu!"

**The ferret was smirking at his personal vengeance against the Skipper of otters, but his smirk quickly disappeared when he saw the massive lutra, his biceps bulging as he crossed his arms over his padded chest as he glared at him.**

But then suddenly, out of no where, another otter erupted from the forest, his powerful biceps and sexy fur shining in the light as he grabbed the weakling otter, tossing him over the horizon with a loud roar. The mouses eyes were wide with awe as the otter struck a pose.

"Wow mister! What's your name?" The otter smiled and did a friendly wink as he answered the awe struck mouse, "Skipper Werg!"

**Putting on his most fake smile ever, the ferret looked up from the dibbuns and over at the otter, who nodded in satisfaction and left. Breathing a sigh of relief the ferret buried his face in his paws. Thank god. He didn't want to get kicked out of Redwall again!**

And so the otter joined up with our over used character as they both continued down the old path, when suddenly, and of course, a damsel in distress ran at them screaming and flailing her arms.

"EEEE! Help me! I just escaped some how from some slavers and is unluckily the love of the leader of the slavers who in turn will hunt me down until the ends of the earth, putting all of you in danger and probably killing one of you if you try and help me EEEEE!"

GLOMP! The mouse latched onto our loan warrior, crying as she buried her face in his chest.

"Oh, brave warrior, my parents are dead and all I have is this some how magical stone of aura and this golden dagger that glows blue when vermin are near! I cannot possibly defend myself! Please help me!" The mouse was about to say yes when-

**"Ahem." The ferret groaned again as his epic story was interrupted by a beast behind him, and turning around he came face face with a large black leopard. **

**"Yes?" He asked as the leopard growled and put his paws to his hips before answering. **

**"You know that's cliche and stupid. Right?" **

**"Well, yeah, but these are just kids- EEP!" The leopard back pawed the ferret out of his comfy chair and went rolling to a stop against the wall, the little ones cheering on the cat. The jaguar chuckled and took the ferrets seat, looking down at the dibbuns with probably the friendliest damn smile ever. **

**"You guys wanna hear an extremely awesome story!" The dibbuns of course cheered, and the leopard sat back and told his version of the vermin's story.**

In the heart of Mossflower, where the Rivermoss flows and the winds blows gently through the tops of the trees. This is where a certain otters story begins.

On the old dusty path that wound through Mossflower, an otter was making his way towards redwall. His fuzzy back shined in the light as he walked, his pantaloons ungodly low due to his low waiste-

**"The fudge happened to his body? Was he put on a god damned body stretcher or somethin-" ****The leopard growled as he turned to the ferret. **

**"Well, mister ferret, I'm pretty sure Brian's characters were only bipedal animals and NOT furries!" **

**"Well that's stupid." **

**"You're stupid." **

**"No, you are!" **

**"NO, YOU ARE!" **

**"FUZZFACE!"**

**"FLEABAG!" **

**"Dumba-" WHAM! The ferret left his shoes as he crashed through the ceiling from the force of the leopard's punch.**

**"Watch the language!" Turning back to all of the dibbuns seated in front of him, he saw one of them raise it's tiny arm and he nodded towards the small mouse, who asked, **

**"What's a furry?" The leopard let out a long moan and sunk down in his seat, face palming. From some where up in the attic he could hear the ferret laughing his fuzzy ass off. **

Okay, back to the epic story. The BIPEDAL otter walked down the path, the wind to his back as he walked, his cape fluttering in the wind, showing his awesomely originally designed sword of awesome. Smelted by the badgers of the northern plain themselves, as a gift for liberating their son who was somehow taken from them by a gang of rats. He had killed every single one of those rats because he's just too badass to let witnesses of his badassery live. Except the badgers and other woodlanders cause he's awesome and good.

Further up the path he came face to face with a fox, who was nonchalantly leaning against the sign that pointed towards Redwall, twirling a dagger, a cocky grin on his face. Wearing a green jerkin and a pair of pantaloons, with a gold ring through his left ear. The otter simply stared at the fox, hoping that his god like sexy eyes would vaporize that of course evil fox. I mean, common! The damned canine should probably just hold a sign up saying "Kill me, I'm trouble."

But to the otters shock and awe, the damned evil thing didn't even flinch! A wave of shock swept through the otter as he realized this wasn't going to be easy. The fox smiled and took a step towards the otter, who in turn took a step back.

"What's wrong? You aren't scared are you?" Then, with a sudden jerk the fox's body evaporated and the otter let out a gasp of pain as the fox teleported in front of him and rammed his fist into his gut, lift him off the ground, and then slam him into the dirt. The fox chuckled and flew up into the air, holding his paws up the air began to darken around him as static began to produce from his powerful paws, and soon a small ball of plasmic energy began to grow in the center of them.

The otter finally managed to pull himself from the hole in the ground he was pounded into, and cupping his paws he drew them back to his waist and began to form his own ball of energy.

The fox let out a loud battle cry as he launched his now boulder sized energy ball at the otter, screeching,

"WELCOME TO OBLIVION!" The otter let out a loud yell as he thrusted his arms out, a large blast of his own energy flying from his paws, colliding with the ball of plasma with destructive force. Trees were uprooted, huge cracks began to form in the ground around him, and the fox cackled loudly.

"THE DRAGON BALLS ARE- ER!- THE PEARLS OF LUTRA ARE MINE!" The otter let out a loud roar and with a grunt of exertion he poured on more power and began to propel the ball back towards the fox, who smirked and held his paw out, sending out small balls of energy towards the ball as he powered the energy back towards the otter, who dug his footpaws into the ground as he began to feel himself pushed back.

His eyes met with the fox's evil vile gaze and then he felt himself just let go. There was a blinding flash of light and a searing pain as he felt his cape disintegrate off his body, and then he blacked out.

* * *

_"Kakaro- ER!- Streampaw..."_

_"Streeeaampaaaw..."_

_"Strrreeeeeeaampaaaaw..."_

_The otter's eyes popped open as he felt himself floating in an empty void. And on the other side of this void stood the prince of his noble race, Prince Vege- ER!- Prince Bladestorm. The otter turned to him, the seared hole in his chest gone from the wound Frieza gave- ER!- Vlad gave, and for some odd reason he was naked. Naturally he brought this up with the Prince in the least awkward way he could. _

_"THE F(bleep) ARE YOU NAKED!?"_

**"Ey!" The leopard whined as he felt himself roughly grabbed by his scruff, his agitated snarl quickly evaporating as he came face to face with the face of a massive Juggernaut of a badger. Growling the badger jabbed a finger at the leopard, scolding him. **

**"Dammit kitty this is a REDWALL PARODY! Not a gods damned Dragon Ball z parody Redwall mix thingy!" Carrying the leopard, who now had his arms crossed, an extremely angry frown on his face, he placed him in a small box in the corner. "It's the time out box for you!"**

**There was a sudden clapping of thunder as the door burst open with a sudden gust of wind revealing perfectly clear skies outside. In walked a kestrel that was absolutely soaked for what seemed to be no reason what so ever. He walked up to the bar pounding on it. (why the fuck redwall has a bar we'll never know)**

**"Get me mead now" He then looked around at all the Redwallers and dibbuns hearing the story.**

**Walking over the kestrel said "That's not how it happened at all you two."**

The kestrel flew over the land his wings of awesomeness and power flapping. He was flying over the grasslands scanning below for anything tasty. The very cute kestrel of coolness spotted a red building on the horizon and headed towards it. As he flew he saw that on the grasslands there was swaying in the wind and he wondered if it would rain later. He felt a sudden gust of wind for no reason and was propelled head long into the bell tower. Whacking its beak into the bell the kestrel grunted and seeming completely unhurt for some reason the bird flew out of the the bell tower and saw below him a meat market. In truth it was the various mice and such of redwall and they all looked very tasty to him. The kestrel dived down landing in front of a fat vole who was to big to get up so he had to be carried around.

"Father abbot" somehow he knew he was the abbot even though he had never seen him before "I was wondering since I am hungry have you got anything for a kestrel like me to eat."

"Of course my son, there is always something for a creature to eat at redwall. Though I must ask what do you eat."

"I eat cheese, voles, mice and shrews for the most part." He licks his beak and pounced on the abbot.

A little later in a tree he just finished up with the abbot and knew he should probably not go to the abbey again. He flew off now with a thoroughly bloody beak and face feathers.

**The ferret face palmed as the dibbuns all ran off crying and begging for mommy as the kestrel watched them leave, his happy face quickly disappearing in order for a shocked and surprised one to take its place.**

**"What? Whaaat!? That was a good story right?" The ferret came running at the kestrel with a broom, shooing the bird out as he swung the broom. The bird squawked and flew up, slamming beak first into a support beam. Landing onto the wooden floor with a dull thud the bird saw tiny tweeting birds circle her head before going into unconsciousness. **

**Sitting down in the comfy chair again he slumped down with a sigh. **

**"Well, there goes my stay at Redwall!" Then he felt something tug at his shoulder. Looking down he saw a small little mouse maid, and smiled. **

**"You probably wanna hear my awesome story right? Would you like that?"**

**"No. I wanna bite you." **

**"Wha-" **

**"NOM! NOM!" The mouse opened her mouth wide and clamped down onto the ferrets leg with a sickening crunch, making him of course shoot up with a curse. **

**"OH FU-" **

* * *

**And cue a cut to black and a kick ass and cliche rock music outro. **

**Well guys, here you are! Another parody from your pal ferret! This one was an especially fun and nice one to do because I had two other authors help me out in this one, well, only the kestrel really. The jaguar simply told me to right something awesome, so I thought:_ "F(bleep) IT! Why not toss in some Dragon Ball z action?" _**

**I'll probably add onto this later, because my mind really likes to wonder and often think of the craziest things that could possibly happen, this one being several beasts telling stories to dibbuns and failing at it. Well, the jaguar's was awesome, but he COULDN'T THINK OF HIS OWN STORY NOW COULD HE?**

**Credits  
**

**Ferret- ferretWARLORD**

**Jaguar- Fell's Apprentice (check out his story on here) **

**The Kestrel- Nashog (check out hers as well)**


End file.
